


Let’s drink to memories we shared (because before too long, you’ll be a memory)

by superearp100



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Regret, just a self-indulgent fic on their mindsets post reveal, mentions of the superfriends - Freeform, no SC endgame, no traditional happy ending, yet another post reveal fic, you don't have to end up with someone to have a happy ending, zero plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:33:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21592345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superearp100/pseuds/superearp100
Summary: A Hanahaki AU where Lena has the disease, flowers/feelings for Kara. Mostly follows canon and set right after the season 4 finale where Lena finds out through Lex about Kara’s super secret and thus decides to get the surgery to remove the flowers and thus also remove any romantic feelings for Kara. Once you get the surgery, you don’t feel anything for that person. You still remember them and who they are or who they were to you but you feel nothing about/for them.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 25
Kudos: 116





	Let’s drink to memories we shared (because before too long, you’ll be a memory)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I’m not a writer and I can’t write descriptive/narrative essays to save my life. I just had to write this because I wanted to read this but no one was writing it!!
> 
> I would also like to stress that I’m IGNORING SEASON 5 except for maybe the flashbacks, and that this is NOT supercorp endgame. Leave now if that’s not what you want to read. Also anti-Lenas please leave you are not welcomed here.
> 
> Hanahaki disease: A disease stemming from unrequited love - flowers grow in your chest and can kill you if it continues to be unrequited unless you have surgery to remove it. Removing the infection also removes any romantic feelings toward that person and you will never love them again. Symptoms include chest pain and coughing up flower petals or whole flowers.

_I have friends, Supergirl. Friends that don't scheme behind my back or lie. Given my family history, they know how painful that would be. They also know I would never enter into a friendship with anyone who's already breached that trust._

_But when I'm gone, who will be left to be proud of you? What, your friends? The joke's on you. It's always been on you. Your friends have been lying to you from the start._

_I’m about to die, but at least I lived without ever being a fool. You're left with no one and nothing._

It’s 3am and Lena is sitting at her office desk, nursing a glass of whiskey instead of sleeping in her penthouse. She had come here straight after game night with the superfriends. _Superfriends. What an irony._ Were they ever actually her friends? 

She’s been sat here thinking for the past couple hours, taking sips of her whiskey, sometimes gulping it down when the hurt became too much. 

3 years of friendship. She really thought she’d found someone special. She truly, wholeheartedly believed she’d found someone she could trust and be trusted in return. 3 years. And it had all been a lie. Kara had just been playing with her the entire time. 

She entertains the possibility that maybe, _just maybe_ , it wasn’t a lie? Maybe Kara did really see her as a true friend? Maybe Lex was wrong? But that possibility is shot down fairly quickly, the more she thinks. It must not have been real, because why would Kara initiate relationships with her separately as Kara and Supergirl, if not to intentionally and purposefully _deceive_ her? 

It _must_ have been done deliberately so that the Luthor would open up to her as Kara and she could keep an eye on her by acting as her friend, whilst maintaining a professional relationship with her as Supergirl, and leave her none the wiser. It was just a ploy all along. They’ve been using her for her resources, intelligence, information… 

And then the realisation hits her. All that effort that Kara made to become her friend when they had just met after the Venture exploded. Giving her the USB in "goodwill". Pretending to meet her in the restaurant. Writing those articles about her. Slowly earning her trust. It's all been a ruse. A long con. 

She should have known. After all, what normal person would want to be friends with a Luthor? _Most people wouldn’t touch a luthor with a ten-foot pole._ She should have known. _After everyone else. Lex, Andrea, Rhea, Eve… And now Kara._

The thing is, she knew she shouldn’t have let Kara in. And so soon after Andrea as well. She knew it was a bad idea but she wanted to hope so badly that it would turn out differently this time.

 _Maybe this time will be different_ , she’d thought. _Maybe it’ll be okay_ . Kara wasn’t like Andrea after all. She didn’t come from a rich family and she seemed so _good_ . Kara, with her dorky glasses and goofy smiles who just looked so innocent, so _genuine_. 

_What a joke._

Never in a hundred years would she have thought Kara of all people would be capable of something as vicious as this. Someone who would use her like this. Manipulate her, abuse her friendship and trust, letting her think that she was safe with her.

All those false promises of safety. _I'm not going anywhere. I will always protect you._ _Now you have someone who will standup for you, always_. All just lies to keep her docile, keep her reigned in so she wouldn’t go crazy like Lex. She really did see her as just another Luthor.

 _I should have known._

_What about all those times she saved you?_ A voice in her head asks. _Well, Supergirl saves everyone! It doesn't make a difference. It's all part of earning my trust as Supergirl too._ Why be close to her in one identity when she can earn her trust in two separate identities? And besides, the DEO still needed Lena's resources. She's too valuable to let die.

Lex was right, in the end. The joke is on her. Of course Kara turned out to be like the rest of them. _Of course_ . Of course she turned out to be the _worst one_ too. Exploiting her right from the start. Pursuing a friendship as Kara and earning her trust as Supergirl. Of fucking course. She should’ve known.

In her defense though, Kara only showed her true colours as Supergirl when she admitted to using kryptonite to help Sam. _That’s not a great question for a Luthor to ask someone in my family._

Supergirl, who turned on her the moment she found out Lena had kryptonite. Supergirl, who asked James to break into her vault. Supergirl, who chided her when she made the refractive scatter field for Reign’s containment unit. Supergirl, who once again flipped out when she found out Lena kept some of the harunel that _she_ made for Argo. 

The more she thinks, the more she drinks. Her thoughts start spiralling like _How could it all have been a lie? Our whole friendship, just a lie? How did I not see it? Fuck, a pair of glasses?_

And all the while, Lena had stupidly been opening up to her. Letting down her walls to let Kara in. Telling Kara about her family, admitting to wanting to kill Edge, trying to save Lex.. _Lex._. _I killed my brother for someone who wasn’t even real._

How long had Lex known? And Lillian knew as well? _This fucking family._

It’s not that she regrets killing him... No. What she said was true. The world would never be safe with him in it. It’s just... she was thinking of Kara, and the rest of their friends. She thought she was protecting people she loved and who loved her. And now, realising that she killed her brother for people who’ve just been using her and abusing her friendship? It just feels.... wrong. Something feels _wrong_. It’s for the best that Lex is gone but... he was still her brother. 

How does she come to terms with the fact that she killed her brother for people she just found out had been _fake_ the entire time?  
  


It probably doesn’t help that she’s trying to process all this while drinking but what else can she do? Think about this while sober? Fuck no. Distantly she thinks maybe she’s got an alcohol problem. But that’s a problem for another day. Tonight, she’s mourning. 

She’s mourning her brother who welcomed her into the family when she was first adopted, even if she now knows he never really treated her as a sister. She’s mourning the end of what she thought were real, honest friendships. 

She’s mourning because she’s just now realising that despite her best efforts, she was still treated like a villain. Like she was just another Luthor in the end.

The worst part of all this is that she still loves Kara. And she knows she still loves her because it’s still killing her. She can still feel the flowers in her chest, constricting it, making it hard to breathe even now. She can sense it even through her alcohol-induced haze. The pain may be dulled right now, but she knows it’s still there. She knows it’s still killing her.

And that’s what breaks her even more. How could she possibly still love her even after finding out the truth? _What a fucking cosmic joke._ She had even once stupidly believed that maybe, _maybe_ one day Kara could grow to love her back. Maybe one day she could return her love. As luck would have it though, the woman she had fallen in love with turned out to be just a sham. A character she played. She wasn’t even real. She’d been lying to her face since they met. And yet, _somehow_ , Lena is still in love with her. _The fates really_ are _cruel._

It hurts. It hurts _so_ bad. She had once thought that she would gladly bear the agony of the disease. She had thought nothing could possibly hurt more than that. Boy was she wrong _._ All she feels now is pain. Too much, too much pain. She can’t keep the tears from falling. 

_I don’t want to feel this way anymore._

And why should she? Why should she continue to bear this pain and suffering? She could easily make it go away with surgery. She’d never considered it before but now.... well, everything’s different now. She finally knows the truth.

She used to think that Kara was her lifebuoy. Before she met her, Lena had been treading water just to keep her head afloat. And after every setback or betrayal that’s happened in the past couple years since moving to National City, she just clings tighter and tighter to Kara, because she says things like _I will always protect you_ and _I've got your back_ and _You are a brilliant, kind-hearted, beautiful soul._

And then stupid Lex drops a truth bomb on her and suddenly her lifebuoy becomes a fucking anchor. Suddenly she’s sinking and drowning and the only way to keep afloat now is to let go of the buoy-turned-anchor, because who the fuck knows what’ll happen if she lets herself continue loving someone who has no problem lying to her face every damn day? 

(The answer is she’ll die, obviously.) 

She has to do this. She doesn’t want to drown. She’s still got her whole life ahead of her. She can still change the world. That’s all she ever wanted. To change the world and to show everyone she’s not like the other Luthors. Didn’t she want to cure cancer with Jack? Jack, who she let die in favor of saving Supergirl… _Fuck._

She doesn't think she made the wrong decision though, no matter how much it hurt then and even more so now. She knows the world needs Supergirl more than it needs Jack Spheer. But it hurts so, _so_ bad, knowing she lost kind, sweet Jack to save a fucking liar. She wants the pain to stop.

It’s not worth hurting and dying for someone who has no qualms about deceiving her for so long. The one person she had foolishly believed she could actually trust… _It’s been 3 years. If she hasn’t told me by now she was probably never going to tell me. She’s only been using me, just like everyone else._

And her mother, her real mother, would want her to carry on living, right? She would tell Lena that her precious girl deserved the world, that she could find happiness with or without love. That she’s still young and she’ll find someone deserving of her. She just needs to be patient. 

_I owe myself that much at least. I have to do this for me._ She has to lose Kara to love herself.

And after the surgery she’ll be able to go back to being rational and carry on her duties as CEO without any _distractions_. She can focus on creating new inventions to help humanity. That’s always been her goal after all. It’s for the best, really.

She’d sat in her office deliberating for the whole night and before she knew it, her employees were already coming in for the day. She told Jess to schedule the surgery ASAP before deciding she needed to take a sick day and rest at home. The past week, no, the past couple of years had finally taken its toll on her and what she needed was a full day of sleep.

Now, Jess obviously knows about her boss’s feelings for one blonde reporter - she’s seen and heard her coughing fits, she’s seen the bloody flowers and tissues in the bin - but doesn’t say anything and instead faithfully helps Lena with everything she needs for the operation. 

The operation is done by the 1-week mark since shooting Lex.

You know how when you get over a crush or infatuation, and you then realise how that person wasn’t actually that great? Once the rose-tinted glasses have been lifted you start to objectively judge their actions and you realise that if you weren’t infatuated with them, you would have never let them treat you that way? That’s how it is for Lena after the surgery because she doesn’t have feelings for Kara anymore. 

It’s not that she hates Kara or anything. She just doesn’t feel much toward her, and anything that she does feel, it’s objective. No emotions to blind her judgement. She can see Kara as a whole now, both her good and not-so-good qualities. 

She’d known before anyway, about Supergirl’s good and bad traits. She had always been able to think of Supergirl dispassionately and so she knows Supergirl is a hero and that she’s kind and compassionate, but that she’s also self-righteous with a god-complex. Supergirl was a hypocrite who disliked secrets even though she had her own.

Kara, on the other hand, could do no wrong. Kara was her life boat, her hero. Kara was the only one in her corner, supporting her no matter what. Even when Supergirl called her a Luthor and used James against her. Kara was always there for her, comforting her from her troubles. 

Only, as it turns out, Kara was both her comfort and her trouble.

And now that she no longer has romantic feelings clouding her judgement and she no longer feels anything toward Kara, Lena just feels very neutral regarding the secret identity. In fact, in her mind it’s like, _yeah, whatever, you're supergirl, ok_. Like it's just a fact and that's all. 

She doesn’t feel betrayed, hurt, angry. Nothing. She doesn’t feel _anything_. Whatever emotions that used to swirl in her heart for Kara, that space is just empty now. It’s not a void, exactly, there’s just nothing there. But nothing’s missing. There’s no Kara-shaped hole. With how little Lena feels toward her, Kara might as well be a stranger to her now. And it almost feels like she is.

She just feels so light. So clear. Her heart doesn’t hurt anymore and she can breathe easy. No, literally, she can breathe more easily now. No more constricting chest pains from stupid flowers growing inside her. No more bouts of relentless coughing and spitting out bloody plumerias. Everything feels _okay._

And because she can think clearly now, she knows there are probably different sides to the story and that Kara may have had her reasons for keeping her in the dark. But the fact remains, Kara had been deceiving her for years. She could very well do it again. 

It’s just statistics and probability. It’s logic.

Her feelings toward the rest of the superfriends, though, are _not_ neutral. She still feels aggrieved at having the rest of them lie to her, happy to keep her in the dark while everyone else was let in on the big secret. Even though she knows logically that it’s not really their fault, it wasn’t their secret to share, it still stings a little, thinking about how easily they pretended all this time. 

Pretended to be her friends, acting like she was really a part of the group, joining them for game nights, when she’d been the odd one out all along. The whole group probably works for the DEO in some capacity. _Seriously, how did I not realise??_

But she tells herself to forget about it. Just keep carrying on as usual, but they're not her friends anymore. If they ever were to begin with, anyway. She'll help them, but she won't go out of her way unless the situation is critical. She's not who she was years ago; desperate to make good with Kara's friends, to fit in, to soak up the friendships that Kara was offering. No. No more. All those lying liars can go fuck themselves. 

Lena Luthor doesn't need anyone. Especially not _liars_. She'll still help them save the world, she's not stupid. She knows they will still need her assistance from time to time. But it’ll be just business from now on. 

So, yeah. Lena’s just being objective about it. She’s just using reason and logic to calculate that it’s for her own good that she doesn’t get close to Kara again, as well as the rest of the so-called superfriends. Too many lies and all that. She doesn’t need that kind of mess in her life, Lord knows she’s got more than enough. But, well, in terms of logistics and practicality, it’ll be handy to have Supergirl around if she needs saving, but that doesn’t require a close relationship, right? 

Yeah, they’ll go back to just having a professional business relationship, which is what she’s always wanted. So it’s settled then. They’ll be acquaintances and allies but nothing more. She’s quite pleased with this conclusion, if she does say so herself.   
  


She doesn’t take away Kara’s full-access pass to her office though. She knows that would only raise suspicions. And besides, she could always just turn her away with the excuse that she’s busy, or use Jess to do that for her.   
  


MEANWHILE, Kara has still been avoiding telling Lena about her super secret and it's now been 2 months since Lex died.

She’s already got her Pulitzer award (not presented by Lena), feeling guilty about getting a prize for revealing the truth when she’s a _lying liar_ , and she has noticed that Lena's been kind of different and more distant now, but Kara dismisses it as Lena being busy, as she had told her before.

The guilt still eats at her though. She’d told herself on game night 2 months ago that she would finally come clean and tell Lena everything. Every time she comes close to doing so though, some robbery or accident happens and duty calls. 

Excuses, of course. She’s just putting it off even more. But she knows there’s no good reason to continue procrastinating now. No major villains, no crisis, Lex is dead, everything’s been going fine and Lcorp is doing well too. There is literally no good reason left to continue this deception. 

It has to end now. She can’t take this guilt anymore, even if Lena never wants to be her friend anymore. Even if Lena ends up hating her for being dishonest for so long, she has to tell her the truth.

So Kara finally womans up, storms into Lena’s office and tells Lena but Lena is all like, _Oh. Yeah. I knew._

_What?? How…??_

_Lex told me. Right after I shot him twice in the chest. His dying breath, in fact. He said you and your friends were all laughing at me behind my back. That I was a fool. But don’t worry, it’s fine. I’m over it._ _You had your reasons._

Lena basically tells Kara everything is fine and then dismisses Kara like _Seriously I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. We’re good._ and that she’s got meetings to get to.

Kara's kind of unsettled by the lack of emotional response to her finally telling Lena the truth. It does strike her as odd that someone like Lena - who feels emotions so strongly, has trust issues, _hates_ being lied to, and has been betrayed multiple times before - would respond so calmly and impassively about such a huge secret. 

But she's also thankful that Lena doesn't seem to be angry with her for the years of lying and deceit, so her subconscious kind of brushes it off at the moment. (There are also sirens in the background distracting her, so.)

So she accepts it with a thankful hug and is still too dazed to be able to tell that this hug feels _different_. All that matters is that Lena knows, and she’s _okay_ with it. _Lena finally knows. Thank Rao!_ And now that the burden is off her chest, Kara’s all cheerful and happy to be rid of guilt, and she’s looking forward to having lunches with Lena again without having to feel that itchy sense of shame in her stomach. She’s just glad she doesn’t have to continue lying to her best friend anymore.  
  


But after that initial relief and happiness wears off, she slowly starts to notice how Lena has been acting more and more distant towards her; not excitedly telling her about new Lcorp inventions, making time for her, and meeting up for lunch. She’s not cold, per se, just really different from before. So one day when she manages to catch Lena on a lunch break, she asks her. 

_Is everything okay? Are we okay?_

_Yeah, of course. I’ve just been busy trying to fix all the damage Lex has done._   
  


Now, Lena knows it's noticeably different, the way she's acting towards Kara and the rest of the superfriends now, because she knows (rationally!) that since she had her feelings removed, she doesn't feel anything towards Kara, so she doesn't feel the need to specially make time for her. Not to mention she's specifically trying to distance herself from the whole group. 

So she knows what Kara is talking about but she dismisses her concerns and says she’s just busy. Because she is.  
  


So Kara just watches helplessly as Lena helps them out whenever they need her but is all _professional_ and _detached_ about it and doesn't join them for celebratory drinks or game nights.

She wonders if it's because Lena is putting her walls back up because she actually _was_ hurt by Kara's secret but doesn't want to talk about it or tell her about her feelings? So she decides to ask Jess if she's noticed anything different about Lena the past couple months.  
  


Now, Jess obviously knows why Lena no longer makes hearteyes at the blonde reporter now but she's loyal as heck so she's not gonna tell Kara anything, duh! 

In fact, Jess tells her something like, _You know how Miss Luthor is, and with everything that’s happened with Lex, she just needs time to process everything and maybe this is how she does it. Not to mention what happened with Eve. That betrayal left her reeling. Poor Miss Luthor always did have bad luck with trusting the wrong people._

Now that makes Kara narrow her eyes and wonder if Jess knows about the super secret and _is she throwing shade at me??_ Or is she just still feeling guilty even though she’s told Lena the truth already? 

In any case, she can tell Jess is hiding something, or at least that she knows something about why Lena’s behaving differently but isn't telling Kara. So she waits until Jess goes for a toilet break and then superspeeds through her calendar and goes back and back and back until she finds some clue as to why Lena’s been acting so strangely as of late. She finds a note about Lena's surgery a week after Lex died - the note on the calendar doesn't say what kind of surgery, but Jess would know.

But should she ask Jess? Then she'd have to admit that she looked through her calendar! So what should she do? Should she just ask Lena?

So anyway (I couldn’t decide which route to take so I’ve listed the different options)

**Option A:**

  * She asks Lena directly - _What kind of surgery did you get? How come you didn't tell anyone? I could have been there for you?_
  * Lena lies and says it was just a minor surgery (maybe cataract or something) and not to worry about it. She’s fine now. Everything’s good. _Don’t worry, Kara, really_.
  * Kara obviously doesn't believe her so she uses her superspeed/xray vision etc or DEO resources to do some sneaking around.
  * After her sneaking around she finds out it was hanahaki surgery but she doesn't know WHO Lena loved but she thinks it has to be someone in the group because that's the only change she can see - Lena has been avoiding all of them and becoming more distant with them - so who was it???  
  




**Option B:**

  * She asks Lena and Lena tells her it was hanahaki surgery, but doesn't tell her that it was KARA she used to love.
  * She just says it's a private/personal thing and that she doesn't want anyone to know, so just _please respect my privacy, Kara. And it’s really not important. Just forget about it, honestly. It’s over anyway. It’s irrelevant now_.
  * Same as option A, Kara thinks it must be someone in the group, but who??? And she can’t let go of the nagging feeling that it is, in fact, important.



**Option C:**

  * She asks Lena and Lena tells her the truth and says (in a neutral tone because there are NO FEELINGS) that _Oh it was you, Kara. I was in love with you,_ but that after Lex told her the truth she felt it wasn't worth dying for someone who had so easily lied to her face for 3 years, and she still wanted to live and continue her legacy.
  * She then again dismisses Kara because she's got a conference call in 2 minutes.
  * Kara is SHOOKETH and heartbroken and why was Lena talking about it in such an eerily calm way?? _Oh right… no more feelings..  
  
_



**D for options A and B:**

  * Kara goes to Alex for advice, tells her that Lena had hanahaki surgery and she’s trying to figure out who she had feelings for.
  * Alex is like -.- everything makes so much sense now. _No wonder Lena's been different. Also, it's you, you dummy. She was in love with you_.
  * And Kara's like _?????????? no??? Lena's not gay?????_
  * Alex is like _Listen, you big dumb dumb, who else could it be? Lena wasn't as close to the rest of us. She filled your office with flowers? Bought Catco when you asked her for help with Edge??_
  * She then proceeds to list down everything that Lena has ever done for her and Kara is like _ohhhhh..._ and then _oh shit..._ because she now realises that Lena got surgery to remove her feelings for her and _oh shit... what is this feeling??? a sense of loss? but this wasn't mine to begin with??_
  * Kara remembers seeing in Jess's calendar that the surgery happened a week after Lex died, and Lena had said previously that Lex was the one who told her about Kara being Supergirl.
  * So Kara now realises that Lena finding out that Kara lied to her for 3 years was the reason that Lena decided to get the surgery. 
  * _Oh shit… I fucked up..._
  * She starts to cry for losing a love she didn't even know she had.
  * Alex tries to comfort her but Kara can't think about anything other than the fact that she cost herself something as precious as Lena's love by keeping this secret for too long _and for what???? To protect her?? Bullshit._
  * She did this to protect herself. To keep Lena selfishly to herself. Just Kara.
  * She didn’t want to lose Lena. She just wanted to keep her best friend. Only it turns out she lost her anyway.



[Now options A, B, C are complete and the story continues below]

Kara wonders if she should talk to Lena about it, but what would she even say? She’s just lost her best friend and she didn’t even know! Wait, she’d lost her for _months_ already? And she didn’t know she could have potentially had something more with Lena. But does she even like girls herself? _Am I even gay??_ Her head is a jumbled mess right now, having just received an information dump. She tries to think things through step by step.

Firstly, she knows that the surgery removes the romantic feelings, which means there are absolutely zero feelings left. Lena doesn’t love her romantically anymore, that’s for sure.

She also knows that she was right in thinking Lena had her walls back up again. And with the way that Lena has guarded herself against everyone, she's not just lost her as a best friend, but the superfriends have also lost her as a close friend too, even if she is still an ally to the DEO. 

She thinks about the fact that Lena went through with the surgery because of _her_. Her lies. Her duplicity. But why didn’t Lena talk to her about it? Why didn’t she let her explain?

Lena had said that Lex told her all her “friends” were laughing at her, that they were mocking her. _Is that why…?_ She realises that Lena must have felt betrayed and thought that they had lied to her deliberately, consciously, with malicious intent. _She must have thought that we’ve all been faking the friendship this whole time. That it was only a lie._ _I mean, we_ did _lie… but the friendship_ _was real…_

Then she realises how much it must have hurt Lena to think that everyone was against her, that she was intentionally kept in the dark while everyone was laughing at her. _I didn’t even get to explain…_

But what would she have said anyway? Nothing she could have said would change the fact that she had been disingenuous with her best friend for so long. There’s no way around it. The reality is she kept this from her best friend.

 _I let it go on for so long. Lillian was right._ She recalls her conversation with James about not being able to tell Lena the truth. _Lillian Luthor said it, and she was right. If Lena ever found out that I was Supergirl, she would be devastated, and she would lump me in with every other person in her life that's betrayed her._

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this. She was supposed to be able to explain herself. To tell Lena that it was all real. That she meant everything she said. That she didn’t think of Lena as a Luthor. That she was just being selfish. That she just wanted to keep Lena all to herself, for as long as she could. That she was sorry for lying for so long, for being a coward. That she would take it all back if she could.

It kills her to think that Lena had been hurting all alone after killing her brother. Grieving by herself. Not to mention how she acted like everything was fine at game night months ago. 

_You’re with me right?_

_Always._

She thinks again about how Lena had the surgery only after finding out the truth from Lex. She must have decided that it wasn’t worth dying for a _lying liar_. 

_She’s right though. I’m not worthy. I could have told her so many times before. She doesn’t deserve a chickenshit like me. How could I possibly be good for her if I’ve been dishonest with her for so long?_ _I waited too long and now I’ve lost someone so important, so precious to me. And it’s all my fault. It’s all. my. fault._

She should have known.

She thinks about how this was probably the biggest mistake of her life. She’d already lost so many people and she knew, she _knew_ that this deception would cost her Lena as well. She had consciously, knowingly made the decision every day for 3 years to not tell Lena. _Why? Winn was my best friend and I told him. I told Lucy because we needed her help. I told Nia even though we hadn’t known each other long._

So why couldn’t she tell Lena? Why couldn’t she tell her best friend that she’s Supergirl? She can’t think of a single good reason for that. She only knows that she was too scared to tell her. She couldn’t find the courage to tell her best friend that she’d been hiding a part of herself for years. She’s only got herself to blame that when she finally did find the courage, it was too late. 

She thinks about Jonn and Alex and even Mon El telling her not to tell Lena. She could have ignored them. She could have done it anyway. So why didn’t she? _Because I’m a chickenshit, that’s why._ She was too afraid of facing the consequences of her actions and she just kept it going and going and going. And now look where it’s got her. In one fell swoop, she’s lost her best friend and a potential love.

Kara doesn't know how to feel about all this, or what to do. All she knows is she's heartbroken, she’s lost her best friend, she lost something potentially greater than that, and she doesn't know how to fix it. 

_Shit._   
  


Time passes and Kara is still at a loss. She’s still trying to wrap her head around the fact that she lost her best friend. That she had already lost her for 2 months and she didn’t even realize. Sometimes she hates herself.

Sometimes she thinks about what could have been. What if she’d told Lena right after the Daxamite invasion? Or when Lena bought Catco? She was still hurting about Mon El back then, but what if? 

What if she’d told her when they proved her innocence in Metallo breaking Lillian out of prison? Or when she saved her from her fall off her balcony, or when she was poisoned with mercury in her coffee? Or all those times they had lunch out on the balcony? What if she’d told Lena when they proved that Lena was innocent and that it was Morgan Edge who was poisoning the kids? After the plane and the chemicals?

Would things be different? Would Lena still have fallen in love with her? Would Lena still have gotten the surgery if she’d heard the words from Kara herself? Would they still be best friends? Would she have managed to _keep_ her? 

She thinks about what could have been if she hadn’t been so selfish and cowardly, and her heart _hurts_.

And sometimes Kara just sits on the roof of her apartment building, thinking about how she’ll never be close to Lena again. How she misses the lunch dates and seeing her warm smiles directed at her (how did she miss that Lena had always looked at her so lovingly? _Guess you really don’t know what you have until it’s gone_ ). 

She misses how Lena would sometimes touch Kara’s arm when she talked or how she used to laugh at everything Kara said, even if it wasn’t remotely funny. She misses when Lena used to tell her _You’re my favourite_. She misses when Lena used to light up when she saw Kara bringing her lunch at work.

And now Lena barely even looks at her and if she does, it’s tainted with how POLITE it is and it says NOTHING about their 3-year friendship. Now everything feels so cold compared to the warmth she used to have. And it’s all her fault.

 _I should have known._   
  


She misses her so much sometimes it hurts just to breathe. There’s this strained feeling in her chest like her heart actually, physically aches. Alex told her that time would heal her. That the pain would slowly go away. Kara’s not so sure about that. She doesn’t mind it though. It’s her way of paying penance for hurting her best friend.

The next time Lena helps out at the DEO, Kara can't even pay attention to what Alex is saying because she's too busy watching Lena and pouting at how _professional_ she's being. A polite smile here and there. Always so courteous but aloof. No genuine laughter like before. Her eyes so impassive.  
  


And meanwhile, Lena doesn’t even seem to notice that Kara’s acting less chirpy than usual. Or if she does, she doesn’t show it. Either way, it’s not her business anymore whether Kara’s happy or not. They’re not friends anymore, as far as she’s concerned. 

That’s not to say she doesn’t still create new suits for Supergirl, because she knows that as National City’s and even Earth’s protector, Supergirl needs to have the best defensive armor possible. It’s in everybody’s best interest that Supergirl’s suit provides adequate protection. But that doesn't mean that she doesn’t have safeguards and counter-measures in place for a possible red kryptonite incident. She knows how dangerous that could be even if she wasn’t around for the first one. 

Logic, remember? 

Kryptonians are superpowered and they may be Earth’s protectors, but it’s all fun and games until someone slips them red kryptonite and they start terrorizing the city. She needs to be able to defend against that. It’s only sensible to have contingencies. Also, she doesn’t trust the government, obviously, so any and all weapons related to Kryptonians, she stores at her own secret lab. She only passes them along to the DEO if and when they need it. She doesn’t tell them what she has though. That nasty harunel situation taught her that. 

She’s smarter now. No more stupid, useless emotions blinding her.  
  


So time passes and Kara finally decides that she’s had enough moping around, and to try and work on their friendship again. Just because they can’t be lovers or girlfriends or wives ( _wait, what?)_ doesn't mean they can’t try to be friends again, right? 

She’s knows Lena’s more guarded now. She knows those walls of steel are all the way back up now but she’s not called the Maiden of Might for nothing. She broke them down before, she can do it again. She doesn’t know if the surgery means that even platonic, friendly feelings are impossible but she’s got to at least _try_. 

So now it’s like when Supergirl tried to earn back Lena’s trust after the whole Supergirl-asked-James-to-break-into-her-vault debacle.

But Lena either doesn’t know (because of option A or B) or doesn’t care (option C) that Kara is trying to earn back the friendship, and insists on maintaining the newfound distance between them. (In fact, Lena’s very happy with the distance. Her productivity levels are through the roof.)

Now, Kara’s not one to give up though, right? She still tries and tries. She still shows up with lunch to Lena’s office, only to be tactfully refused a good 90% of the time because _I’ve got a meeting in 2 minutes, Kara,_ or _the release of the new prototype is coming up soon and I’m really swamped with preparations, Kara. I’m sorry. Raincheck?_

She still invites Lena to game nights, even if she knows she’ll be turned away with a polite declination. 

She only wishes Lena wasn’t so _polite_ though. She wishes there was some anger, some resentment that could be directed toward her so that she could take it, and bear it. She wishes there was something _, anything_ she could take a hold of to fix their friendship. 

She used to think she would have to bear with Lena hating her when she found out. Hatred and anger she could take. She could bear. But this indifference is worse. This unfeeling detachment is _so much worse_. 

So she can’t help it sometimes if she starts to lose hope. She can’t help the feeling of despair, no matter how she tries to be optimistic. She can’t help thinking self-hating thoughts, like _Why couldn't I have been brave enough?_ _How could I fuck up so bad?_ She’s so _miserable_ without Lena. She welcomes the way her chest aches because she's lost her best friend and it's all. her. fault.

Time goes on and Kara still doesn't know what to do. She still watches Lena at the DEO and still feels that wrenching feeling in her chest. She bears it because at least there’s _something_ to bear. Something to _take_. Something to remind her that she needs to fix their friendship no matter what. Once she fixes their friendship, that stabbing pain will go away. She’s sure of it.

One day, as she’s sitting under the sun lamps in the medbay, staring through the glass at Lena fiddling with the supersuit, she gets a terrible coughing fit. She’s coughing, choking, wheezing, trying to catch her breath. She coughs and coughs, covering her mouth, and when she opens her hand, she sees a single plumeria on her palm. 

_Ohhhh shit._

**Author's Note:**

> How d’you like them apples?!
> 
> I left it open-ended but I probably won’t continue. This seems like a good enough ending. 
> 
> Now that I’ve written it, I don't know why I did, just that I had to. I’ve been wanting to read a particular fic like this (Lena gets the surgery because this shit hurts so bad) but nobody wants to write it >;[ so I have to do it myself.
> 
> I’ve come up with an angsty playlist SPECIFICALLY for this fic so if you’re interested you can have a listen here. I imagine Lena and/or Kara thinking some of those lyrics when they’re being emo and I think some of the lyrics fit really well. So have a listen and look up the lyrics if you want (: 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5mcgFY4lhaLQqv774Ys2Nv


End file.
